Thursday, July 24, 2008

Six Stages of Cheese Whiz

It was a beautiful sunny day on the 16th hour of the day, when our young and mighty hero Junky Rhodes was hungry for an afternoon snack. He looked and looked and spotted celery in a big in the fridge. "That's perfect" exclaimed Junky "Now, if only I could find something to go with it..." He looked around the fridge and saw a few condiments " sweet.... stick... That green stuff we always get from KFC and never eat and then turns into it's own personality...Maybe...OHH...THERE IT IS!!!" he screams as sees the Cheese Whiz. "This will be the perfect afternoon delight" As he grabs the jar, he finds that he can't open the lid


"WHAT?!?!?" said a confused Junky Rhodes "It's impossible, they make these things for fat people whose eye sockets are so plugged with cholesterol that they can't even see color" So our hero tried and tried and couldn't open it which leads us to...


"YOU ARE NOT STRONGER THEN ME" screamed a provoked Junky Rhodes "I am tough and strong. I should be able to open such a small jar. Why I have the strength of many men, and that is just in my finger tips." Again he tried with all of his might. "WHY WON'T YOU OPEN" screeched Junky who then fell into the...


", rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, hopeless, heartless, jerk face, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed creation from the ugliest and scariest part of the world, so scary it makes New Jersey look like paradise" roared an enraged Junky Rhodes who got most of that quote from Family vacation but took out the parts that you can't say on TV...that was a good movie...over played during Christmas too...where was I....Oh yes...on too...

# FOURTH STAGE: Bargaining

"Please...Oh please jar open"... groaned a distressed Junky Rhodes "If I open you...I will only eat a portion...I won't go cheese happy and eat half of you like I did with your cousin" Now, at this point Junky was getting desperate and irrational. "If you open...I will make sure that I will recycle you...and you can be with all of your jar friends....Maybe you could meet a nice wine bottle and settle down and have kids of your own" At this point, our conqueror was in a sad state which sparked the next event...

# FIFTH STAGE: Depression

"I AM A FAILURE...." wept a cheerless Junky Rhodes "I can't even open the...jar...of cheese whiz...It's not worth living...I should end it all...I know...I could take the toaster to the wouldn't work...that is the first toaster that ever worked for us, I would get screwed if I broke it...I know...I will get the rat poison" So Junky went under the sink and found a Master Craft boa constrictor and now that leads us too...

# SIXTH STAGE: Testing

"You have met your match my friend" declared an enthusiastic Junky Rhodes "Cheese Whiz Constrictor....Boa meet Cheese Whiz..." And he took that Boa and wrapped it around the lid of the jar. The battle was on, he pulled and tugged and even heaved a little, but the jar was tenacious and unfaltering and did not then he thought...what else can I do...maybe...I can get help, but alas no one was home. He thought maybe the neighbor girl could do it...but having her open it is is much worse then having to put the jar back. Dazed and confused our star went into...

# FINAL STAGE: More anger

"RAHHHH!!!" bellowed an agonized Junky Rhodes who has forgotten the real reason he wanted Cheese Whiz in the first place. He is now more concerned on the battle between man and bottle made from Kraft. "OPEN!!!....OPEN!!!...OPEN!!!" but the jar was not listening, until "Pop" The sound could be heard from all of spring street and surrounding areas and with much awe and excitement, Junky put the bottle on the table, and low and behold a light a shown from the sky and pointed onto the jar. Some say it was a coincidence, but for this narrator it was truly the light of God and "Yeah, the peasants rejoiced" and that moved us into...

# BONUS STAGE: Acceptance

"Yeah...Get your happy dance on...WooWho..." trumpeted an animated Junky Rhodes who was more excited then the Nintendo 64 kid. "The Jar is OPENED" and yeah, it was a happy day. For now our leader Junky Rhodes can then enjoy his little snack and move on with his life, for the jar is opened.


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